Self-Doubt

like a cemetery, I’ve laid parcels
for loved ones 
I had to let go over the years
planting trees of memories 
to bear witness to each stone

there is no other place where I could go
inside of, when I feel lonely
here, I can relive the past
and find comfort in the decisions I have made

no loneliness is more eviscerating 
then the one you have not chosen for yourself 
from an array of life advice 
offered to me generously for free by people,
I have handpicked the highlights of their lives
and squeezed them into a savvy juice
to get a glimpse into my other future:
the one I decided to walk away from
on my long walks around the graveyard

I do return more often to certain trees
that have grown taller and more vigorous than others
perhaps I have watered them more often
or perhaps the weight of the bone substance
buried at their roots made them sturdier

I know of no other place
that can sing my virtues and spit out accusations at me
at the same time
and I, I catch them all with open hands
until I smell like charcoal

(May 2019)